The Xbox One FAQs: Translated

xboxonebannerYesterday, in an attempt to quell the rumors swirling around their new console, Microsoft put out a series of FAQs designed to answer everyone’s questions regarding the Xbox One.  They were less than successful.  But fear not, for we have translated the FAQs so they’re easier to understand.  Read on for the details.

As you may recall, Microsoft’s reveal of the Xbox One didn’t exactly go according to plan.  During the event, they failed to address fans’ concerns over the system’s rumored requirement to be connected to the internet, its inability to play used games, and its mandatory use of the Kinect sensor.  Journalists  at the event were understandably concerned about this, and when they pressed Microsoft execs afterwards, they gave incomplete, misleading, and sometimes contradictory answers.  Some two weeks later, Microsoft has finally released detailed explanations of what their plans are, and it’s not exactly good news.  Three FAQs appeared on Major Nelson’s blog: one on game licensing, one on the Kinect, and one on internet connectivity.  While I encourage you to read them all thoroughly, the amount of carefully worded marketing spin might cause migraines.  So I’ve translated some of the most important announcements below.  I hope it helps.


Translation: We’ve put an HD camera and microphone in your living room.  It’s (almost) always online, and it’s always listening.  But trust us, we’re not spying on you. 


Translation: If you want to shut the thing off completely, you’re gonna have to unplug it.


Translation: All the cool kids are using Kinect. You want to be cool, don’t you?  Don’t you? 


Translation: If you don’t have broadband, we don’t want your business.


Translation: It makes perfect sense to us that if you’re living in an area without wired broadband internet, you more than likely have access to a 4G LTE cellular network.  We also assume you’ve got an unlimited data plan.


Translation: Technically, the Xbox One doesn’t have to be connected to the internet all the time, buuuut… it pretty much has to be connected to the internet all the time.  Especially if developers use cloud computing and storage.  Which they probably will.


Translation: If you’re not home by midnight every night, you’re grounded.


Translation: You have to install every game you buy.  Better pray we put in quality hard drives.


Translation: Don’t blame us when the publishers won’t let you trade your games.  Also, no private sales.  Also, if you bought the digital version of the game, you’re stuck with it forever.  Or until we turn our servers off.


Translation: Don’t blame us when the publishers won’t let you give your games away.  Again, if you bought the digital version, you’re stuck with it forever.  Don’t give games to strangers.  And no re-gifting!


Translation: See?  We’re not completely evil.


Translation: We’ve added exciting new layers of confusion and complexity to the act of sharing games.


Translation: Again, please don’t blame us if the publishers decide to be greedy.  We hope they’re cool to you guys, but… we can’t promise anything.  Oh, and we’ll totally get back to you on that whole renting games thing, Gamefly.  Just sit tight.


Translation:  The age of physical media is over.  You will no longer own your games.  The publishers will.  You will purchase licenses to play them.  The terms of those licenses can be changed at any time, for any reason.


Translation: Deal with it. 

About the Author: (@Joe_of_the_Dead) Lead Editor, Writer

Joe was born in a time of war. A console war. Two electronic titans were locked in a heated battle for the living rooms of America. Which titans, you ask? Well, the Fairchild Channel F and the Atari 2600 of course. You see, Joe is old. So many of his favorite games tend to be on the older side as well. But that hasn’t stopped him from developing unhealthy obsessions with such modern franchises as Halo and Mass Effect. Just don’t tell him how long it’s been since the original Metroid was released. His aging heart can’t take the shock.

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